Random Thoughts from a Sleepless Mind

Last night I spent the night with my awesome kids at BBC. We are practicing the drama for the Lifehouse song All I Need. They made some really great progress. I can't wait to see the finished product. We sat around until the wee hours of the morning talking about so many things. First it was Rebecca and her dating questions. Again, not saying anything bad about anyone, I just feel that the guy should pay for certain things like dinner and movie tickets. But to each his own I guess. Then we moved on to a lot of talk about the differences in Baptists. WOW. I was shocked that these teenagers who have grown up in church all thier lives had very little understanding of what the church they attend actually believes when it comes to predestination and eternal salvation. So we talked all that stuff out and then proved the existence of God, solved a few of the worlds major problems and it was off to bed.

4:00am. Rain so loud it wakes me from the previous 30 minutes of sleep. I lay there wondering what the storm looks like. Then a few minutes later Jamin awakes hungry and on a mission. His mother is there, faithful and sure to take care of him. She really is an amazing mom, wife, friend, lover, you name it!

8:00am. Taking a shower in the church office. Wondering just how tired I am going to be the rest of the day.

9:00am. Realizing that I am starting off the day in a hole. My forgetful mind yet again has inconvenienced myself and others but all works out ok.

2:00pm. Leaving work to go home and sleep.

3:00pm. Been home for a while now but watching episodes of Scrubs and The Office online.

4:30pm. Finally decide to sleep. But can't. My brain won't stop. Typical.

5:30pm. Leslie is coming home. She calls to let me know.

6:15pm. Out of bed from I think what was a total of 20 minutes of sleep. Get dressed and drive to Bellevue.

7:00pm. Lost in Cross Timbers subdivision. I hate my sense of direction.

7:10pm. Taking pictures with Anna, Jenny and Nathan. They all look so wonderful. I hope they have a good time tonight at Prom.

8:00pm. Eating a Chick-fil-A sandwich wishing I was home in bed.

Tyler is really turning into someone I didn't expect. He is growing up. He serves even when I know he wants a full-time part in the drama. But he's reliable and steps in to help when we need him.

Rebecca is really doing a great job directing the drama. I hope that she will realize that this is one way that her passions and talents can be played out to glorify God.

Lauren brought two friends last night. That was awesome. It was good to see that she thinks enough of her youth group that she is willing to bring her best friends into it.

Emily is going to be missed. She is scared and confused but I can't really blame her. She is standing on the verge of an amazing adverture. I hope she can find a new love for the complete satisfaction found only in God.

Father,

It's been a very rough past couple of days. I've been tired, sleepless, weak and vulnerable. Lord, my defenses have failed. I hate being here. I hate being so tired that fighting seems useless. I realize I need to take better care of myself. I will. I will be more careful when planning my time and make sure that there is time for rest. It's been so long since I have just rested.

I hate feeling like this. I just feel blank. Please fill this blank Lord. Refocus me, renew me, reenergize me. I love you. I'm sorry I haven't spent as much time with you as I normally do.

Just not enough time!!!

If you're anything like me you feel that you have about 28 hours of stuff to do in a 24 hour day, not including the sleep you most desperately wish you could get. The truth be told, I'm really not that busy. I go to work, just like everyone else, I have yard work, house work, family time and ministry time every week just like a ton of other people. But I feel like I'm sinking. I have this terrible headache and the dread of what is to come in the next 48 hours. First, I have to work until 6pm today, then it's straight to church for a lock-in that starts at 7pm and doesn't end until 8am tomorrow. After that it's right back to Chick-fil-A for a 9am - 6pm shift then back to Bellevue to take prom pictures with some of the kid's in my group. Then guess what? It's back to Smyrna for a 9pm - midnight CFA appearance at a local gamestop for the release of Mario Cart. I'll get home after 1:00am on Sunday morning, and be up no later than 7am Sunday to be at church by 8:15am. I'll leave church after noon, do some work for a friend then be back at church at 4:30pm and not leave until 8:30. Then it all starts again!
The worst part is that I've done this to myself. I make my own schedule every week for CFA and the church. I need to manage my time better. Had I remembered the lock-in I wouldn't have planned the thing at Gamestop. Had I remembered the prom pictures I wouldn't have planned the thing at Gamestop. Had I realized how nice it was going to be today I would have worked yesterday and taken today off.
I see that the problem as not that I don't have enough time. I have the same amount of time as everyone else on the planet. The problem is that I fill my time up with too much stuff. I should work on that.

Is God better than Sex? John Piper

Long Day

Today is going to be a long day. Hopefully a good long day but none-the-less it is going to be a long day.

I hope Leslie is able to get some sleep today. She was up and down with Jamin all last night and was so good to me to let me sleep through most of it. I really do have a great wife.

Last night the youth wen to Shoney's to eat. I was very glad to be there. Rebecca has such a beautiful heart and I can't wait to see what she's going to do with the drama team.

My Feeling of Urgency

I went back to work today. Since Jamin was born on March 26th I've been enjoying the time at home. But going back to work was inevitable but very much undesireable. All I wanted all day was to see Leslie and Jamin. I wanted to be home so I could be with them. But work is a must and I realize if I'm going to be a good father I must provide and if I'm going to provide I must work.

The problem is that I'm only living out my passion part-time. See, I'm a part-time youth minister with full-time desires. I want so much to be able to be the husband and father who is satisfied with his career. Right now, I'm not. For instance, this week, I'll be working nearly 50 hours at Chick-fil-A then putting in at least my 20 for the church. That leaves me with just a few hours in the mornings and evenings each night to see my brand new son and my beautiful wife.

It doesn't leave me much time to enjoy yard work, working out, hanging out with friends, or finishing that all important degree.

So here I'm left with a choice. Not a choice to move or act, but a choice of my attitude. I could choose to be bitter. I could choose an attitude of resentment on my life because it isn't what I want it to me. I could choose to regret for missed opportunities. If I choose any of these attitudes what does that say about my perception of who God is? If I choose to be bitter, resentful, or regretful because I'm not where I hoped I would be in life then I'm percieve God as being one who does not have plans for my future and plans to prosper me. After all, those who are bitter, resentful and regretful are settling to stay in the place they are at and settling to live in that disatisfaction, I am not.

What I am choosing to be is satisfied. Not in my current job situation or time circumstances. I'm satisfied with God. God is enough. He is my eternal portion and regardless of what my life is versus what I wish my life was I know it all boils down to one thing. My God is enough, in Him I have hope, through Him I have a future, by Him I will prosper.

I may never be rich. I may never be a full-time youth minister. I may never make more money than I do right now. Regardless of this, God is enough. I need nothing else but Him. What I need, He will supply. What I don't need, I may never have.

Father,

You are enough. You are all I need. By your guidance I will be the man you designed me to be. Lord, you can see every desire I have. Desires to be full-time in youth minstry, to make enough money so Leslie doens't have to work, to be able to finish my degree, to save for Jamin's future. And Lord, I know there are events coming towards me to where I could inturrupt your timing. I have a history of jumping ahead of you. Please help me to resist this. In your timing all things will come to pass in perfect order. Father, I am satisfied knowing that you are in control. I don't want control. I don't want it because it's not mine to have. You know what's best. I trust this about you. Lead me to the place you can best use me and settle my heart there. If my desires are mine alone and not those you wish to give me then please change them so I may desire what you want. I just want to be used by you to point the world to the radiance of your glory. I just want to be your man.

The Prosperity Gospel.

I love it when a man is willing to say the unpopular thing just because it's the right thing to be said. I have been to so many churches who preach that Jesus is some sort of luck charm and that Christians are recognized by their blessings. This is just not so. Christians are recognized by thier conviction over sin, the good fruit they bear and their activity in the will of God. Not by the clothes we wear, the cars we drive or the houses we live it. The fact is, all that glitters isn't gold.
Lord, may we truly be open to the true Gospel. Not the lies of health wealth and prosperity. You are all sustaining, all glorious and all we will ever need. I may never drive anything nicer than a nissan and I'm ok with that God. I just want you. All I want, all I desire is to bring praise to you. Teach me to do this. Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I need you so much to give me a holy perspective about work. I may not enjoy what I'm doing, but Lord, you provide and that is good enough. You have me where I'm at for a reason and I am happy to stay until you move me. Lord, you are in control. My life is yours to lead and direct. Please soften my heart to those I would normally overlook or dismiss. Help me to never be inconvenienced by someone in need.

Sabbath.

Today is going to be my sabbath, or in other words, my sit around in my house coat, only do things I want to and probably just be unproductive for the entire day day. I plan on reading, playing Tiger Woods 07' on the Wii and sleeping. There will be eating, watching videos on Godtube.com. Possibly a nap, and throughout the day I'll be hanging out with my son when he's not sleeping or eating.

Oh, and my phone will be turned off so you won't be able to reach me. I'll talk to you tomorrow if I need to.

Thank you Jesus for Mac and Cheese!!!

Cletus Take the Reel

I found this to be particularly hilarious. I love Godtube.com.

You are all I need!

Here in this place
Here where I sit
You are all I need
After all I've done
And after all I haven't
You are all I need
If I stay where I am
Or go somewhere else
You are all I need
If I sleep
If I wake
You are all I need

When will I learn
When will I know
You are all I need
When will I see
When will I find
You are all I need
When will I stop pretending
When will I confess
You are all I need

I know the right words to say
I know the right acts to do
But you are all I need
I do what I hate
I hate wat I do
You are all I need
I set out to do good
But I don't do it
You are all I need

Forgiveness
Patience
Acceptance
Mercy
You are all I need
Hope
Encouragement
Grace
Love
You are all I need

You are all I need!

Now that I'm a Father

I don't really know what to say. I feel like I should have something to say but I really don't. Maybe it's the lack of sleep but I just don't feel like that is my son. How can someone like me even participate in the creation of someone so perfect like Jamin? I am humbled to think that God sees in me the ability to be this little guys father. I question that all the time. "God are you sure I can do this? Are you sure I can live the life that he needs me to live? Do I have what it takes?

I must because God didn't make a mistake when he made me Jamin's father. God must see something I don't.

My family came to visit me this afternoon. My mom and grandparents got to see Jamin for the first time. They were pretty excited. I was glad they go to to be here.

I've only got a couple more days off from work. I'm really bummed about that. The worst part of it all is that I haven't had one day since Jamin was born that I haven't recieved a phone call from work. On some occasions I get three or four calls from work. That has been the most draining part of it all. Just the simple fact that I'm already sleep deprived and not thinking clearly at times I get the phone calls from work that require me to think back weeks ago or think forward days ahead.

I don't want to return to work. I guess that's normal.

Father,
Please prepare me for the life that is ahead. I want to be such a good father to my son. I want to live a life that is inspiring and leading to Jamin. Help me to love as you love and be patient as you are patient. Please allow me to prosper as a provider for my family. Help me to see all the abundance you wish to bring into my life.

Father,
Please teach me humility. Strip from me all that is useless and unprofitable. Remove me from flattery and praise. Be the center of my life. Show me where you are working and please allow me to serve you there. Have me where you can best use me. No matter what!